Is it safe to head back on the ice?

The old-timer’s hockey season will soon start and every hope is justified, every dream attainable, every beer sublime

I got the call for Sunday hockey… along with the lowdown on the mechanisms designed to keep us safe.

We’ve now got something called cohorts – but no overlaps with other timeslots and absolutely no showers.

You either arrive geared up or face the pressure of a ticking stopwatch as you dress and tie your skates.

“Honey,” I exclaim to Sue, “Hockey’s starting up next month!”

“Do you think I can drive the truck with skates on?” I ask her scratching my head.

“I doubt it,” she replies. “But one thing’s for sure, you’d better start losing those 19 Covid pounds you’ve put on,” she adds encouragingly.

“There’s a lot of rules,” I mumble as I read the new pandemic guidelines.

“If the NHL can play in front of a Fabricland showroom – I’m sure you guys will figure it out,” says Sue.

It’s true.

Few things get me as pumped as this amazing game - as a fan and as a player. So I’m motivated to get into game shape.

“I’m on it,” I say to Sue. “Honey, you do appreciate that my hockey nickname is ‘Human Zamboni.’ I think it’s because my teammates acknowledge I play a 200-foot game.”

Sue smiles and touches my hand. “Do you think maybe it might be because you spend so much time actually lying down on the ice?”

She does have a way of dispelling my myths…

Hockey enchants because it allows for the expression of every animal drive. The game stands apart from all other sports in its appeal to primal instincts. 

The speed and collisions are visceral and reminiscent of our personal struggles to survive, compete, and thrive.

For me, the intensity begins with simply tying my skates. It’s rare that this rite is completed without sweated brow, and some re-sampling of breakfast.

Even the basest of drives is experienced in hockey. When you think of it, goal scoring is salacious in every way. The scorer celebrates his or her conquest with arms raised and a grin of satisfaction. We honour the sniper on the score sheet and reward his or her wingmen with assists.

Why else would the famous Art Ross have designed his «B»-shaped goal net to resemble a curvaceous rump? There is no functional justification. It only serves to make goal scoring an allegory for the act itself.

I do speak from some scoring experience – having purple-coloured evidence of the times pucks have deflected off parts of my being into the net. (My latest go-to move is to actually turn and face away from the goalie before awkwardly backhanding the disc in the direction of the net. If I subsequently hear a stream of Clyde’s colourful profanity, I know I got lucky.)

Our highest ideals of artistic and creative expression are captured in hockey. In these special moments, time and space are experienced in an elastic manner. The intense satisfaction of the imagination when give-and-go passing plays come to fruition is unique to the sport.

We love those creative plays because our mind has a premonition of the full potential and the artists – magically on the same wavelength - bring it to life – sometimes beyond our expectations.

The glimpse of sequential actions happening almost all at once illuminates the mind.

 And hockey is tribal. As sweaters are distributed (either white or black), allegiances are imprinted on our psyches – both good and evil are instantly understood. The post-game traditions, in victory or defeat, as sweaty players trot back to the dressing room are akin to those of prehistoric warriors returning to camp following a skirmish.

Sue smiles and touches my hand. “Do you think maybe it might be because you spend so much time actually lying down on the ice?”

The camaraderie, bravado and reinterpretation of recent events are essential parts of the ritual. The sharing of a either a few beers or breakfast at Tammie’s represents the best of the experience and it is in this aspect of the game that my performance can be finally and fully recognized. 

How we make this part of the tradition work in sweat-soaked outfits while showers are strictly verboten remains to be seen…

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